Tag Archives: Guide
The only way to influence the other fellow is to talk about what he wants and show him how to get it. If, for example, you don’t want your son to smoke, don’t preach at him, and don’t talk about what you want; but show him that cigarette’s may keep him from making the baseball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.
Clinical depression is not just a disease of the unemployed or an uninvited visitor around the holiday season. No, clinical depression tends to afflict the employed and can hover over them every minute of their working day, no matter the season of the year.
Following is the lists 10 career paths that have been found through research, observation, or just working in them to be associated with the blues or even more serious mood swings down the rabbit hole. Here they are. Just reading about them might bring you down.
- Recycle old papers that are filling drawers in your house.
- Mentally prepare yourself for change by visualizing your ideal self.
- Realize that unexpected events can be a good thing.
- Ask people you admire how they got where they are today.
We make many dumb relationship mistakes. Follwing is a list of top 10 dumb mistakes, in no particular order:
1. Withhold Feelings:
Men are more guilty than women in withholding feelings from their partner. If something ticks men off, they may hide their irritation instead of revealing what it is that annoyed them. Women are indirectly guilty of this relationship mistake. While women are more emotional than men, they withhold feelings in the sense that they blame or criticize others to indirectly express their emotions. “I hate you for…!” is not an example of expressing your feelings. An expression of emotion is, “I feel sad about…” “I’m feeling happy you…” “I am angry!”
2. Reject Emotions:
We may withhold feelings from someone because we reject our emotions. It is uncomfortable for most people to feel guilt, shame, anger, sadness, and even love so they reject these emotions by thinking positively or generally suppressing them. You feel whatever you do for a reason – accept it. Your relationships deteriorate if you suppress anger, for example, because you will resent and behave bitterly with people.
The failure to healthily express emotion can show itself through blame, a common relationship mistake. Look at an argumentative couple to see each person blaming the other for relationship problems. Neither acknowledges imperfection, preferring to be right. Each person thinks people ought to change instead of taking the responsibility for self-change. Victimization is a relationship mistake unhealthy for either person.
People gossip about their relationships mainly for self-pity. They seek validation that the other person is to blame for relationship problems. If you have a relationship problem, talk with the person you share the problem with and stop complaining about it to your friends or coworkers. The other person is not the cause of your suffering; you are because of your ignorance to the problem through gossip. If a gossiper just turns the mirror on himself, he would realize the rumors hurt his relationships. A gossiper is no better than the originator of the problem. Neither roles create resolution – both compound it.
5. Interpret Behaviors Negatively:
“Give people a margin-for-error because you don’t know every detail.”
A gossiper is one example of a person that blames others and interprets their behaviors in a negative light. Each little behavior signals a conspiracy against the cynic. If you think your husband is having an affair, anything he does will be filtered through that perspective.
Give people a margin-for-error because you don’t know every detail. Each of us hold a piece of truth discoverable through communication. The best way to resolve your worries is to ask the person by showing interest in their life.
6. Show A Lack of Interest:
Do you know what happened to your partner today? When was the last time you watched a friend play their weekly sport? When did you last ask what someone did at work? Get curious about people’s lives by asking a lot of questions and displaying attentive body language. Communication often lacks in relationships because neither person takes the initiative to learn about the other person. Interest in people’s lives makes them feel important, builds the relationship, and teaches you a lot of great stuff in the process. Think of something a person important to you enjoys then go do it with them. You may even want to take up a new hobby together like dancing or yoga.
7. Exert Excessive Control:
We hate being controlled and told what to do. The worst managers micro-manage, dictating employee behavior. Many angry employees echo similar remarks.
The greatest leaders give team members freedom. The same is true in families and interpersonal relationships. If you order your teenage daughter to not smoke, research shows she is more likely to smoke. One study that looked at how values transmit through families found that children with authoritative parents have different values to them. When the parents are supportive rather than restrictive, the children agree and accept similar values.
8. Try to Change People:
Whenever we try to change people, whether it be through manipulation, criticism, orders, threats, or rewards, they take on strange behavior. Do a test in a safe environment. Intentionally tell someone what they are doing is wrong and the person could not change, become suddenly quiet, resent you, gossip about you, or purposefully do what you said not to do. We always try to change people, but rarely succeed.
9. Remain Unchanged:
We expect people to change while we remain unchanged. Rigid perspectives on money, family, work, emotion, and the relationship creates severe friction that can destroy a relationship. “If my coworker stopped…then I’d be able to…” “If my son stopped…then I could…” “My partner should…then I’d feel…” I’ll give you an if-statement to remember: if you don’t change, you have no right to expect people to change.
10. Keep One’s Point of View:
“It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time.”
What is your honest estimate of the percentage you think you are right in an argument? 80? 90? 100%?Most people say 95%. That means a fighting couple’s righteousness totals 190%, a formula for conflict. It is logically and mathematically irrational to conclude one can be right 95% of the time. We are not divine beings knowing of truth.
Each of us possess the truth that we must be flexible enough to explore. The cure to any couple’s problem is held by each person because their point of view is 50% of the relationship.
Goal-setting research on fantasising, visualisation, goal commitment, procrastination, the dark side of goal-setting and more…
We should set specific, challenging goals, use rewards, record progress and make public commitments.
So how come we still fail?
This psychological research suggests why and what mindsets should help us reach our goals.
1. Stop Fantasising:
The biggest enemy of any goal is excessive positive fantasising. Research on fantasising in goal-setting shows that positive fantasies are associated with failure to get a job, find a partner, pass an exam or get through surgery. Those whose fantasies were more negative did better. Don’t experience the future positively before you achieve it.
2. Start Committing:
The reason we don’t achieve our goals is lack of commitment.
One powerful psychological technique to increase commitment is mental contrasting. This involves entertaining a positive fantasy but then pouring a bucket of cold reality over it. It’s hard, but research shows people really respond to it.
3. Start Starting:
You can use the Zeigarnik effect to drag you on towards your goal. A Russian psychologist, Bluma Zeigarnik, noticed that waiters seemed only to remember orders which were in the process of being served. When completed, the orders evaporated from their memory.
What the Zeigarnik effect teaches is that one weapon for beating procrastination is starting somewhere…anywhere. Just taking that first step could be the difference between failure and success. Once you’ve started, the goal will get lodged in your mind.
4. Visualise Process NOT Outcome:
We’re all susceptible to the planning fallacy: that’s thinking all will go smoothly when it won’t (and hardly ever does). Visualising the process of reaching your goal, helps focus attention on the steps you need to take. It also helps reduce anxiety.
5. Avoid The What-the-hell Effect:
When we miss our target, we can fall foul of the what-the-hell-effect. It’s best known to dieters who go over their daily calorie limit. Reasoning the target is now gone, they think ‘what-the-hell’, and start eating too much of all the wrong food.
Goals that are vulnerable to the what-the-hell-effect are generally short-term and inhibitional (when you’re trying to stop doing something). The effect can be avoided by setting goals that are long-term and acquisitional.
6. Sidestep Procrastination:
When goals are difficult and we wonder whether it’s really worth it, procrastination can creep up on us. Under these circumstances the key is to forget about the goal and bury yourself in the details. Keep your head down and use self-imposed deadlines.
7. Shifting Focus:
You can’t keep your head down all the way or you’ll get lost. In the long-term, the key to reaching a goal is switching between a focus on the ultimate goal and the task you are currently completing. Research suggests, when evaluating progress, especially on difficult tasks, it’s best to stay task-focused. But when tasks are easy or the end is in site, it’s better to focus on the ultimate goal.
8. Reject Robotic Behaviour:
Often our behaviour is robotic. We do things not because we’ve really thought about it, but because it’s a habit or we’re unconsciously copying other people. This type of behaviour can be an enemy of goal striving. Ask yourself whether what you are doing is really getting you closer to your goal.
9. Forget The Goal, What’s The Aim?
Goals should always be set in the service of our overall aims. But there’s a dark side to goal setting. When goals are too specific, it’s easy to get stuck; when they are too many goals, unimportant, easy ones get prioritised over vital, difficult ones; when they are too short-term, they encourage short-term thinking. Badly set goals reduce motivation and may increase unethical behaviour.
Remember to keep in mind the whole point of the goal in the first place.
10. Know When To Stop:
Sometimes the problem isn’t getting started, it’s knowing when to stop. Psychologists have found that sunk costs make us do weird things. ‘Sunk costs’ refer to the effort or money we’ve already expended in trying to reach our goal. So, even when our plan is failing, we keep pushing on.
Research shows that the more people invest in a goal, the more they think it will succeed; irrespective of whether it actually will succeed. Know when to change tack or you’ll end up flogging a dead horse.
11. If-Then Plans:
What all these studies show is the importance of self-regulation in achieving a goal. Unfortunately, as we all know to our cost, controlling the self can be very hard.
One strategy with plenty of research to back it up is forming ‘if-then’ plans. You simply work out in advance what you’re going to do in a particular situation. Although it sounds simple, we often prefer to wing it, rather than plan. With a little ingenuity, though, if-then plans can be used to surmount the obstacles described above.
I want to shift gears from leadership to a pure focus on crafting an exceptional life. Ultimately, life goes by in a blink. And too many people live the same year 80 times. To avoid getting to the end and feeling flooded regret over a live half-lived, read (and then apply) these tips:
1. Exercise daily.
2. Get serious about gratitude.
3. See your work as a craft.
4. Expect the best and prepare for the worst.
5. Keep a journal.
6. Read “The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin”.
7. Plan a schedule for your week.
8. Know the 5 highest priorities of your life.
9. Say no to distractions.
10. Drink a lot of water.
11. Improve your work every single day.
12. Get a mentor.
13. Hire a coach.
14. Get up at 5 am each day.
15. Eat less food.
16. Find more heroes.
17. Be a hero to someone.
18. Smile at strangers.
19. Be the most ethical person you know.
20. Don’t settle for anything less than excellence.
21. Savor life’s simplest pleasures.
22. Save 10% of your income each month.
23. Spend time at art galleries.
24. Walk in the woods.
25. Write thank you letters to those who’ve helped you.
26. Forgive those who’ve wronged you.
27. Remember that leadership is about influence and impact, not title and accolades.
28. Create unforgettable moments with those you love.
29. Have 5 great friends.
30. Become stunningly polite.
31. Unplug your TV.
32. Sell your TV.
33. Read daily.
34. Avoid the news.
35. Be content with what you have.
36. Pursue your dreams.
37. Be authentic.
38. Be passionate.
39. Say sorry when you know you should.
40. Never miss a moment to celebrate another.
41. Have a vision for your life.
42. Know your strengths.
43. Focus your mind on the good versus the lack.
44. Be patient.
45. Don’t give up.
46. Clean up your messes.
47. Use impeccable words.
48. Travel more.
49. Read “As You Think”.
50. Honor your parents.
51. Tip taxi drivers well.
52. Be a great teammate.
53. Give no energy to critics.
54. Spend time in the mountains.
55. Know your top 5 values.
56. Shift from being busy to achieving results.
57. Innovate and iterate.
58. Speak less. Listen more.
59. Be the best person you know.
60. Make your life matter.
A ‘No’ uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a ‘Yes’ merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble. – Mahatma Gandhi
Imagine a CD box with slots for 24 CDs. Your box is totally full of all your favourite albums. But then you see something that you want. You must take out one of the CDs in order to fit in the new one.
Time is like that CD box — a finite resource. There are only 24 hours available to be filled. When we say “Yes” to another project, another request, another errand we are saying “No” to something that we already have planned. It might be something you are happy to let go — giving up watching TV in order to read a new book — but sometimes you have to give up the time you spend meditating, making love, playing with your kids or sleeping.
Saying YES to something always means saying NO to something else.
So why do we automatically say “Yes” when people make requests of us?
Guilt — I said “No” last time so I had better say “Yes”
Desire to please — If I do this for her, then she will like/admire/respect me more
Fear of rejection — If I say “No” she’ll be upset and won’t talk to me
Feeling needed — She needs helping and I’m good at helping people
Path of least resistance — I’m too tired to get into an argument now, I’ll just do it to keep the peace
So here are a few creative ways to say “No” and consciously choose to be in control of your time.
I’ll let you know — I need to see if there is room to move things around in my schedule. I’ll get back to you tomorrow
Soft no — I would love to help you out but I don’t have enough time to do a good job. I’m going to have to say no this time
Delegate — I can’t fit that in right now but maybe Jane can help you
Outsource — Oh I used to worry about that too, but now I pay someone to do it and it means I can go for a walk instead
Hard no (mmmmm hard) — Fuck off! (obviously not recommended for mothers, children, spouses or bosses)
PS — please don’t say sorry — managing your time efficiently is nothing to be sorry about.
Do you automatically say “Yes” without thinking about what you’ll have to give up in order to do another thing? How do you say “No”?